Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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