The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
