i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
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