ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
