I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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