were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
