I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
