Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
third nipple confirmed
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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