if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
