I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
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