I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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