; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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