your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
