I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
And my parents said I crawled through the house
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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