mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Pappa wants mamma naked
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
