obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
you inspire me to be a worse person
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
