I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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