apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm really busy with my period
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