Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
