dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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