Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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