i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
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