it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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