I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
They took my balls.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
