you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
