so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
