i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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