I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
