I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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