You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
My liver just had a heart attack.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
be right there i have to get my cape
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
