forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
