If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
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