I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
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