Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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