My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
