I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
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