A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
