I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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