You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
