im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
