I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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