So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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