Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
