If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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