Cold hands, warm shart.
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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