remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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