I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
