Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
