So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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