Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Randomize
