I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Randomize
