Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
